Apparently 'tis the season to cheat, according to a recent study by mobile dating app Clover. They've noticed a 300 percent increase in people in existing relationships signing up for their service during December. More surprisingly, there are 33% more committed women than men. Which means, at least on dating apps, women are cheating more than men around the holidays.
That's a whole lot of infidelity for a month that should be filled with yuletide cheer. The reasons for cheating are endless—it could be the stress of the holidays, or maybe she's getting an early start on her "New Year/New Man" resolution.
Here are five real-life scenarios of women who cheated during the holidays, and how you can avoid having it happen to yourrelationship.
The Emotional Cheater
Why She Cheated: "My emotional needs just weren't being met," says Stacey (not her real name) of her marriage. So when she reconnected with an old friend online, "I talked to him about my marriage and life and he just provided so much empathy, compassion, and support." It evolved into flirtation and sexting, though stopped just shy of a physical affair.
How She Got Caught: "Never use a laptop to correspond if you are cheating," Stacey says. "Use your handheld device with a passcode." Her husband bought a $50 spyware key logger and installed it in her laptop. "It gives you all of the passwords for your email and social media accounts," Stacey says. "I was sloppy and didn't delete some emails and Facebook IMs and he found evidence of the affair."
How It Could've Been Avoided: "A new romance is attractive because of the rush of chemicals we experience when we fall in love," says Galena Rhoades, Ph.D., a Research Associate Professor in the Psychology Department at the University of Denver, and a member of the Marriage Project. "These lead to the feeling that you can't stop yourself and can't stop thinking about the other person. It wouldn't be reasonable to expect to feel that way about a spouse regularly several years into a marriage."
Which doesn't mean all marriages are doomed, but you can't put them on auto-pilot. "Go on dates," Rhoades suggests. "Regularly talk as friends, and make time for sex." Also, she recommends "clear boundaries for yourselves about time alone with coworkers or friends that are of the opposite sex."
The 'Vanilla' Girl
Why She Cheated: "The big problem in my relationship was a total lack of sexual compatibility or chemistry," says Ian (not his real name). "She wanted silence. I like words. She wanted all nude all the time. I love lingerie. I'm kinky. She's 100% vanilla. Unbeknownst to me, she was having casual flings throughout our relationship." Affairs with men who ostensibly liked their sex a little less adventurous and unconventional than Ian.
How She Got Caught: "She ended things and the truth about her infidelity came out in stages," Ian says. "She told me she was staying elsewhere, but wouldn't say with whom. I eventually figured it out."
How It Could've Been Avoided: "This is the Madonna/Whore complex," explains Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin. "They pick the Madonna but really want the whore, and then gets dissatisfied sexually." When two libidos don't line up, it might actually have a medical explanation. "After a woman has a child, her hormones change and could lead to a low libido," says Weil.
The Attention Whore
Why She Cheated: "I started flirting with guys online," says JoAnne (not her real name). "First out of boredom, and soon it got a little addictive. When I'd hear that ding come in from a text, my heart would race. I would get so excited and couldn’t wait until the new guy texted back again. I was Pavlov's dog!"
She was having multiple texting affairs, with "different guys to fit the different needs not being met (in my marriage). I had the intellectual guy, the creative guy, the 'I just want to fuck your brains out' guy. I never hooked up with any of them, but I was hooked on the sexting, the attention, and having this exciting secret other life."
How She Got Caught: "He started suspecting something was up when I was on my phone all the time," JoAnne says. "I was even taking it into the bathroom with me. I should've turned off my notifications so the messages wouldn't pop up all the time. I got busted."
How It Could've Been Avoided: "There are signs with a woman like this," says Dr. Weil. "She's easily bored, needs a lot of excitement, and is unpredictable. If you suspect, you don't want to ask if she's cheating, because she'll say no." Instead, Weil suggests showing empathy. "You say, 'I know I've been working long hours and you're not getting as much attention as you like. I know you're having affair and I'd like to work on our relationship and you need to stop all contact with him.'" If she agrees, you're on the road to recovery.
The Big Dick Deal-Breaker
Why She Cheated: "My cock was just too big for her," says Ben (not his real name), who claims his penis is 8 inches long and 8 inches in circumference (about the size of a freaking water bottle.) "She never wanted to have sex because it hurt too much. We were both sexually frustrated because we loved each other and were engaged to be married. The only time she would say yes to having sex was when she was super drunk." She eventually left him for another man who was a better, um... fit.
How She Got Caught: Just weeks before their wedding, Ben's fiancée got "wasted on whiskey and called me another man's name (during sex)," he says. "She didn't remember it when she came to, but finally fessed up."
How It Could've Been Avoided: Kim Switnicki, a sex and intimacy coach for women, advises couples with this problem to work at it a little harder before giving up. Foreplay, a good lube, and a position in which she controls the penetration are key here.
"[She] can also try to find a dildo that is approximately his size and experiment with it when you masturbate," Switnicki says. "Remember that making love doesn’t always involve intercourse. You can masturbate each other and still have a fabulous intimate, mind blowing experience with no penetration at all."
The Suicide-By-Cop Method
Why She Cheated: Sometimes we subconsciously force others to do for us what we don't have the strength or courage to do for ourselves. Such was the case for this restless cheater:
"I was really young and had a wonderful boyfriend for a year," says Brenda (not her real name.) "He didn't do anything wrong, but he didn't do that much really right either. I couldn't bring myself to break up with a guy who was hot, sweet, kind, and successful just because I was bored."
She began an affair with one of his co-workers. "I didn't realize until a friend pointed it out that subconsciously I wanted to get caught to have him break up with me because deep down I knew I probably wasn't going to," she says.
How She Got Caught: "His co-worker felt guilty," Brenda says. "And since it was just a one-night stand, he didn't have any loyalty to me. So he told my boyfriend, who dumped me instantly."
How It Could've Been Avoided: "I don't think I'd want to see this one avoided," says Dr. Rhoades. "That is, because of the way she describes being bored, even though this guy was a good one, I wouldn't have wanted them to continue. If she was bored a year in, imagine what she'd have felt after five or ten years." The only way to avoid this affair, she says, would be to avoid getting into a relationship with her in the first place.
