Going home for the holidays can be the best thing ever. Between taking time off work, getting your fill of your parents' cooking, and basically having permission to drink every day, how could you not love it? Oh, and then there's the bonding with family thing! All jokes aside, spending time with family is ideally what makes the holidays so special. Unfortunately, dealing with family members can actually look a lot like a movie, what with the meddling uncles and distraught parents who worry they'll never have grandchildren. Here are a few ways to shut down these conversations so fast, you'll leave everyone slightly dizzy (but they'll blame too much spiked eggnog, not your superior avoidance skills).
"Are you seeing anyone special?"
If you're feeling feisty: "Yes, I'm seeing you right now! It doesn't get much more special than that." While your grandma is feeling all warm and fuzzy thanks to your response, change the subject to how she's holding up after a recent surgery. She'll get on a roll and forget all about your love life.
If you're feeling wounded: "I'm just focusing on me right now!" If you just went through a breakup and feel nauseated at the thought of sharing all the gory details, pull the "focusing on myself" bit, then launch into a long list of hobbies and activities you're picking up. You can finish off with, "If I happen to meet someone while doing them, that's just a bonus."
If you're feeling hopeful: So you are dating someone promising? Feel free to say so, but cut off any further questions so it doesn't become an interrogation (if you don't want it to, because spilling about new love is so much fun you might). Go for something like, "I am, actually! His name is Eric and we met at my friend's book release party. He's sweet, but it's the early days, and I don't want to get my hopes up too much."
"Where's that nice man you brought last year?"
If you're feeling sad: Don't give into the temptation to turn this into a bash-your-ex fest! If he isn't invited to your family holiday, he shouldn't have much of a presence there. A simple "It didn't work out—we're just too different. How's your love life going?" should suffice.
If you're feeling sassy: "Probably partying on a yacht with 20 catalog models like the low-rent Leonardo DiCaprio he tries to be," or some other response that's very true-to-life. This also applies if you're feeling tipsy.
If you're feeling fine: You're over him? You can dish a little. Throw your aunt a bone and explain what really went down, then smoothly change the subject so you don't wallow too long.
"Is an engagement coming soon?"
If you're feeling impatient: Feel free to vent a bit, but only if you really want to turn this into the "Why Am I Not Engaged Yet?!" show. Everyone will latch onto the topic, so it may be best to just say, "We're talking about it and we're on the same page that we want to get married. He's going to surprise me, so I don't know when!"
If you're feeling terrified: Too soon to be thinking of marriage? Say so in a way that won't give everyone heart palpitations because they think it will never happen. Something like, "Even though we're really enjoying just being together now, we're not quite there yet." And if it's actually never going to happen because you and your partner aren't into the idea of marriage? Tread carefully, as you don't want to blow the holidays to smithereens. At the same time, you can be honest about yourself and say, "I feel so lucky because we're excited to be together forever, but we haven't really thought about throwing a huge party for it. Not in our budget right now!"
If you're feeling sure it is: Smile and say you hope it'll be sometime soon, but you don't want to jinx it by speculating.
"Where are my grandbabies?!"
No matter how you're feeling, this is the one most likely to end in tears and a burned-to-a-charcoal-crisp dinner because everyone was too busy arguing. Sure, you could go cheeky with "What, Mom, am I not enough for you?" or completely stonewall her and refuse to talk about it, but both those options can easily result in a mom who's weeping into her wine. Your best bet is to say it'll happen when it happens. If you've made the completely valid choice not to have kids, the holidays aren't the time to say so (unless you have a seriously cool family and siblings who are willing to continue the lineage).
