If you've ever been on a first date that was not going well, you know you've thought of a few things you wished you could say out loud (and then maybe texted them to your friend from the bathroom stall). It's obvious that both of you are putting your best face forward and trying to get a good read

1. THE MOVE: Dry humping you to get things started. Like we just left an eighth-grade dance for a makeout party in Allison Cooper's basement. Rubbing our half-erect penis on your thigh is surely enough to put you in the mood. SHE THINKS: Oh, this is ... retro. Actually, it would probably feel good

AGE 17Uh, that's it? AGE 18We just call this the year of "Furtive Groping and Bruised Labia From Unfortunate Insertion Mishaps" AGE 18 1/2Listen, Kevin, you're never gonna get milk outta those things no matter how hard you suck them and OW OW TEETH WATCH IT! Ugh, I can't wait for college. AGE

Maybe you're going through a rough patch in your marriage, maybe you're single and not ready to mingle, or maybe you're super annoyed with your S.O.'s Duck Dynasty obsession -- whatever is, just remember, things can get worse. How much worse, you ask? Check out these painfully-honest e-cards